it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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