he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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