Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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