His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
sarcasm needs its own font
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
