walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
