if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
