Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
