May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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