just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
