i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize