Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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