it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize