Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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