I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
