My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize