You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
