remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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