I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
