i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
