I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
