I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
