I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
