Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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