She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
