guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So many bounce houses so little time
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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