There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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