Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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