i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
