we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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