the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
