My first STD was from a foam party
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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