low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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