we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
false alarm, still single
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
