my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
