He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she smelled like a LAN party
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
