Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
