When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
