actually, I'm a sock model
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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