I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
