pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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