It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize