I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I intend to get homeless drunk
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
