I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
