I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I supernannyed him into submission
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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