Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
