They should really pass out barf bags in church
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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