My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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