my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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