i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
