Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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