I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
