so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
