toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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