I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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