my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
