She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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