Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
