Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
