If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
