Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
