The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
