I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
