im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
