i think my mom watched the whole time
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
