just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
