I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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